Tortured · Torturer

Eventually it all got worked out.  Booty Married Aislin later that day.  Camino caught the bookay, but then got up and handed it to me.  I thought it was a litlte silly and totally fake.  Ox took on too many people's problems and had to lay on the floor.  While everything was messed up I didn't really have any feeling for him or for Amyah.   It was so confusing.  I'd forgotten about Desire and only had sadness.

So there I was, standing over Ox with that really ugly bookay in my hands, and Amyah telling him I cought it so we had to get married.  I said "Don't worry, it won't happen for a while.."  and he says "well maybe not..." and pulls out a ring.  "Will you marry me TB?"  then he asked Amyah "Is it OK if I marry your mommy?"  Next thing I know she's pulling at my arm.  "Say yes mommy!  Say yes!"

I said yes.  And then we both promptly agreed to elope someplace like Las Vegas or on a boat.  No stupid wedding ceremony with a million people around for us.  No chance for jealous bitches and whores to come out the woodwork and try to sabotage things.  No chance for lameass Nemesis to shoot anyone in the head.

We are going to have a party in about a month to celebrate, but that's it.  We aren't even going to tell anyone if we're already married by then or not.  Just him, me, the kids and a couple of friends.  That's all.  I'm actually very excited and happy.

But then they said Gaius had fallen. 

My mind went blank. 

I muttered "What about Jack"  I heard someone say he fell.  I thought the floor fell out from under me.  Jack was the only one I was there for.  As much as he can be, he's my friend.

I'm confused.  Why Gaius?  Why Jack?  Then we hear her scream.  Edria runs to us.  She runs to Kalen.  Behind her is Kei, carrying Jack.  He yells for me.  I can't help but cry.  Jack is dying in my arms.  Not again.  Not like Old Man Jennings again.  I heal him as much as I can.  And then I hear Mr. Bliss.  The Mutherfukin' Mr. Bliss.  He grabs Jack and heals him too.  I carry him inside, we lay him down, and Mr. Bliss and I litterally patch him back together.  Then another round of healing.  If Mr. Bliss hadn't been there I'm sure Jack might have died.  I couldn't heal all that damage on my own. 

Jack come to.  He's furious.  I speak a little of my style of SPring to him.  Patience.  Fill your Desires in time.  Let Wrath fill your heart, but not make you foolish.  He listens.  He hears.  He knows. 

Booty woke Gaius from the dead and let him speak to Edria one last time.  I couldn't watch.  I sat at the back with Amayah in my arms.  I have no idea where this little girl came from but I promised her life isn't like this.  I promised her that it's better than all this.  I promised her I'd make sure of that.

I have many things to make sure of. 

I can't see my therapist this week.  It's too crazy and Ox is too busy.  So much is a blur.  I've got to get Amayah legal, push up the time table on the new 52, and go see the All Seeing Eye of the Brim.  The funeral is on Saturday.  I'm numb.  But I'll manage.  Edria needs people to be strong, not weeping idiots.   I have to find her Hope.  There is always Hope.

This are going very well with Ox and I.  We talk almost everyday on the phone and he comes to see me in my dreams.  It's nice because I actually feel safe enough to sleep.  I helped him get much of the paperwork done for his new establishment.  My Lawyers came in quite handy.  We've spent many nights together and it has been quite wonderful.  I'm almost completely healed, and the children are feeling better about me being home and not leaving again.  I think that soon I'll be able to travel to see Ox during the week.  He says he wants me to persue him, so I will. 

I have a deadline for getting better.  We threw an Engagement party for Rose and Connor.  It's fairly offical now.  The wedding is set for just a couple of months away.  I have to be in better shape so I can attend.  I know I need to be there for Rose.  I have to get this overwhealming compulsion to destroy toys more under control.  Right now there is no difference between Lost who look like Toys and Toys.  They all need to be broken.  But I know Rose is more than that.  So I have to try.  I'm seriously thinking about taking Aaron up on his offer.  But I can't go alone and I can't leave my kids for that long.  Not a whole weekend and not yet.  It's too soon after having been gone so long.  I've thought about asking Ox to go with me.  And maybe not going for a whole weekend, but doing several day sessions.  Of course I need to talk to Aaron about it first.

Sometimes a feel like a burden on Ox, but he seems to enjoy it.  I think he secretly likes for me to NEED him.  He wants me to need him.  I think I like it.

Diary I have to go.  There is something wrong with Winter...  Alminda says she's in her bathtub and it's filled with blood.... 

As we meet up, Ox looks at my hands. I lean forward and dig into the safe door, pressing through the well forged metal, pawing and punching through the metal like paper. I make a hole just big enough for any ogre sized individual to fit through. But as I do I get fired upon by a burst of strange black fire that makes me hit the wall behind me roughly. I’m stunned. I have no idea what just hit me. I’ve got gruesome looking burn marks in different places. It’s like my skin is being eaten off. I can feel the muscle also go. It even feels like my bones are being gnawed on.

Dear Diary,

I'm going to take a short break from my tale to fill you in on Vincent.  He's a good man.  He stayed here the whole time with the kids.

Late on the evening of the 27th I returned home.  I was still in the same abysmal state as earlier.  I didn't want my kids to see me that way.  If it wasn't for the money I spent the sales people at the stores wouldn't have treated me very well looking like I did.  I managed to get lots of presents.  Most as wrapped in Christmas paper, but there are some that are not.  Places just aren't prepared for post-Christmas shopping for Christmas paper/
 
I see Vincent sitting in the Lobby and I made my way directly to him.
 
"I missed Christmas." I say very sadly.  "I didn't know how long I was gone."  I look around for the tree that is set up and put the presents under it.  Once my arms are free I go back over and give Vincent a hug.  He deserves more than that, but I'm still too fragmented to really do much more.
 
"Thank you for staying."  I say, and then suddenly release because I start to hack and cough.  I'm starting to ooze again.
 
"Can you give me a few minutes to get cleaned up, and then get the kids down here.  I don't want them to see me like this."  I'm not ready yet.  I can't have them worry about me any more than they already have.

 

We're almost to the end Diary.  I'm slowly getting better.


I walk quietly with the tall, blind Ogress. She gestured at the gunshot and nodded to me, as I cause a lightning strike come at the same time.  The signal as well as the first strike against the building, causing the ground to shake and cold air to rush into the Factory.  The Storm has arrived.  Hell hath no Fury like a pissed off Toi Breaker.  Jus ask those left behind in the Trash Pile.

We're rushing through the hallway as the ceiling starts to exude a annoying, low humming beep and red lights start to blink.  The wisps return into my view, the violet ones leading the way as the crimson and green ones twist and twirl around my hands, making them feel harder, stronger, all and all more powerful.  As we rush through the hallway, the strange, floating, beeping automatons that were around the gate begin chasing, sirens sounding loudly amongst the echoing halls.

One would buzz down near my head, turning and staring with its large, red, optical eye. "No running in the halls Slave, please cease and desist at onc--" it called out though unable to finished as I swing my right arm back, smashing in and through the automaton with ease.  Don't tell me to not run you stupid thing.  I'm not a slave.

The blind ogress chuckled and grins toward me. "The Wyrd has blessed you with new talents.."  Perhaps this is what I'm here for.  This trial for the Wyrd to bless me.

As we rush and find ourselves at a dead end.  This will not do.  A wall is nothing to me now.  I lifts my arms and slam them down against the wall, my shoulder twitching as the wall cracks once, another hard slam brings it down across the backside of a few guards.  The others that were unharmed open fire on the us.  The blind one moves forward through the gunfire as I gets winged, and bring up a twisted club across the head of a guard.  I don't know where I picked up the club.  I never do.  A hideous crunching sound along sound laughing as the blind woman begins to grow larger and tower over the guards in the room.

They begin to scatter as I lifts my hands to the ceiling and lightning crashes against the side of the building, crumbling the side of the room and sending many to unconsciousness (or death).  It doesn't matter to me if they die.  They shouldn't be doing this.  Sparks and lightning twist and weave up across my body as I see a large fairest running up to me.  He goes to tackle and slams into me, knocking me a bit back but causing him to light up like a overloaded christmas tree, and he's sent flying back.

We race up toward the stairs, the guards starting to vacate and run from the building in fear.  A few try to put up a resistance, only to be unceremoniously killed by my lightning from the heavens are the hard splatter of my club.  We race up and up, pushing through and finding other creatures hidden behind bars and cages. Hedgebeast, Hobgoblins, Changelings and humans.

"We are close." The Blind Ogress whispers as I rip through the steel bars, snapping them like twigs.  It feels good to have the metal snap in my hands.  The people drag themselves from the filth of the cages and huddle beneath us as we march up a second flight of stairs.  We find ourselves in front of a safe door.  The light settles and I see Ox standing there, grinning ear to ear.  He must be grinning at the sight of me, and that I'm relatively unharmed.

He's amazing.  I don't know what he's been through to get here.  I'm so happy to see him.  But I don't have any time.

I'm sorry Diary.  I have to stop here.  I'm too tired to write.  I need to sleep.  I haven't even had a chance to tell you about my conversation with VIncent or opening presents with the kids.  But that's going to have to wait.  Maybe later.

"Children!" I hiss. I can feel myself bear my teeth and I look around for anything I can use as a weapon. I grab the first thing I find and begin to stalk my way into the factory. "A is for apple, B is for bat. A is for Ant, B is for Ball. A is for Acid, B is for Blood. A is for Aid, B is for Benefit. Which way? You have to tell me which way to go..." I whisper to they Wyrd. "I can't see you anymore. Tell me which way. A is for antelope, B is for Buffalo. A is for air, B is for blow...." I pace while waiting for some sort of sign. "Even Jack is not this disgusting. Pollution is the worst..." I say and go back to finding A and B words. "I think maybe A is the way... Advantage, Able, Armor. Plus I'm not a slave." It’s not logical, but it’s all I can think of.

My beloved Ox and I are finally home from our adventure in the hedge.  We've been in for two weeks.  We both now have our own new and unique burdens and scars to carry.  But I have the most important thing ever.  I have unconditional proof of his Epic love for me.  Our love will be written down in the storybooks of Epic Love.  I don't need him to marry me now.  I have all the proof in the world.  No one else may ever be able to see it, but I always will be able to.


It will take me some time, but I'll start the journey from the begining.



A little after 4AM saturday morning I showed up at Ox's house.  I was foolish and had nothing with me.  No car, no purse, nothing.  Iwasn't sure what I was doing, but Vincent had told me to go to him and ask for help the next time I needed it.  When Ox comes to the door I shrank back away from him because I was nervous.  I can't look Ox in the eye.  

 
"I have to go somewhere.  The Wyrd tells me to.  I have to go in the Hedge..."  I tell him.  I'm ansty and impatient.  "I have to go soon.  I know you have to go on a journey as well...  Do..."

 
"Do... you... uh..."

 
Maybe this is a bad idea.  So I start to leave.


Ox is majestic and powerful as ever.  He steps out and puts a hand on my shoulder.  He looks like he just got in, himself, but he's not wearing his usual "STAFF" t-shirt or black security polo.  He's just wearing Jeans and a long-sleeve T-shirt that says "Your Mom: Rated 'E' for everyone."  I secretly smile inside. 
 

He asks me inside and says he can make coffee.  I can't.  "Can't.  No time.  I have to go now.  It grows impatient..."  my eyes dart to a a DOorway I know of and back again to Ox, then back to the spot, and off.  I hear the Wyrd calling me in my head.  I have to go now.  I can't tell him how important it is.  He doesn't think the Wyrd actually talks to me now.  No one does.  But i hear it.  It's calling me to a place.  I have to be there.  THere is something I must do.


Ox sighs.  "Ok, ok...Hedge, huh?  Give me a minute to change and leave a note for the gang, and we'll go."


I follow Ox on to the porch, but stop before going in the house.  A look of deep pain crosses my face and I can't stop it.  I know my things, our things, are in there.  I still can't bear to look at the bed we shared.   I look away from the house and goes back to staring into the distance as I wait for him.  But he's coming with me.  He's coming with ME on this adventure.  It means everything.


He doesn't keep me waiting for long.  Ox quickly changes in a simple black shirt and combat pants, which he is stuffing with power bars and bottles of water.  He has in one hand a breatplate tnd armor trappings that looked like they were made of old car parts.  He quickly runs to his car and pulls a big ax that looks similarly cobbled together out from next to the front seat.
 

He heads back over.  "Ok, I'm ready.  Let's go."


"Did you leave a note?  The children must know you are OK."  I say as we start to wander off down the street.  I mean Cel and Van, but am thinking of my own.  I can't get the words right.


"Note's all set," he says as he pulls on his armor, strapping the Ax to a sheath of sorts built on the Armor.  "So where are we going?  Should I drive?"


He thinks of everything and I can't think of anything.  There are too many voices all screaming at me in my head.  It's better since he started seeing me in my dreams, but they are still there.  It's so hard sometimes.  I don't even know how I got here.  The Wyrd brought me here.  Or maybe it was Durendal.  Bending fate for us to go on this journey together.  I don't know. 


I know we have to return to Orlando.   The Wyrd tells me to.  We get back and enter through a Door I've never seen.  The Wyrd tells me which one though.  A sharp scent and smell of spring flowers in the cold, winter-esque air will point me toward a door on the edge of my duchy, but more into Bandabras.  The hedge seems to strangely push to welcome Ox, stretching and becoming large to fit more then him, and when we take a closer look around, the leaves, plants, thorns and parts of the path seem sticky and red, as if covered in blood.


"Well, THAT'S just creepy," Ox grumbles.  He seems unhappy to be in the Hedge, but as he looks at me, his expression softens and he smiles.  "Ok, so which way?  What are we looking for, here?"  Even now I can see it in his face.  His love for me.  Why else would he be here.  He hates this place as much as I do.  He's doing this all for me.


The lights come to me.  The Wyrd manifesting for me to see and follow.  "Can't you see them?  They dance.  The Wyrd shows the way..."  and I start off in the direction shown to me by the Wyrd.  I keep my hand out, so I can catch them.  But they are always just too quick.  Ox sighs and murmurs something about "been spending WAY too much time around Durendal," but then follows me anyway.


I can't belive he doesn't see them.  I tell him what they look like.  Maybe then he'll see them.  "So pretty...  pink, blue, lavander, peach...  dancey, dancey, dancey little things.  Spring shows the way..."  Spring shows the way and so does the Wyrd.


At first, dear Ox cannot see the lights twisting in the air. The balls of wisp that shine brightly and twirl about, but after following  me for quite some distance, he can see them out of the corner of his eye.  Soft pink tones, light sky blues, gentle lavender tones, a soft peach scent follow by a darting ball of light enter his vision.  He belivess me now.  It's real to him.  I can see it on his face, that twinge.  He doesn't want to see them, but now he does.  He knows just a little more what it's like to be me.


The hedge is but a swampy, overgrown, 'I AM LEGEND' remake of the real world, being so close to it and not very deep in the hedge yet. Twisted buildings are occasionally seen, overgrown by grasping plant life which has shriveled and cracked against its walls. The cold, frosted air blows against the skin, hitting deep at nerves and causing shivers to run up your spine. It is at the edge of Winter, so very close.  So far from Spring, but not bad. 
 

I remember we pass over train tracks as we wander the hedge.  Oddly I can definitely recognize where I am.  We're somewhere in Winter Park.  "Winter Park..."  I say  "Wretched Wine Bar is that way.  Bandabras' whore house is that way..."  I runs her hands along some of the broken buildings.  They are harsh and cold.  I don't like this place.  I want to leave, but I can't.  I have to go on.  I hear the voices calling me.


"Toi," Ox calls my name again and it is glorious, "Where are we going?  What are we looking for?  You know, besides the blinky lights?"


This time I don't even have to answer.  The Wyrd does it for me.  It's trying so hard to talk to him, but he can't hear it.  For a moment, there is this unearthly creaking sound that goes off in the distance. The sound of metal, almost like a siege engine being moved through and across trees the sun, in its 'peeking dawn' state is shadowed by metal and then reappears again. We head further into the hedge, the lights shift and move to follow the railroad lines, twisting and twirling, leaving the pleasant smell of spring flowers in the brisk winter air.
 

The sky seems tilted, almost upside down, turning clockwise as we move across the railroad and go deeper and deeper into the foreboding hedge. A whisper on the wind comes to me, beckoning me forward in a soothing, motherly voice. The voice contributed to Spring, perhaps to Mother Susan, the Changeling who traded for the Season.  I can not resist the call of Spring.  "I hear you Spring...  We are here because the Wyrd and Spring tell me I need to be here.  There is something greater to be done and it can't be done anywhere else."  I diligently follow the lights, the smell, and the voice.  I don't know the time, our direction, or even where we are.  Even the railroad tracks do not exist to me.  I hear only the voice of Spring and of Ox.  I smell only the flowers and Ox's lucious musky spicy scent. 


"Gifts of Spring..."


Ox can hear the fleeting voice for but a moment, then afterwards theres a soothing humming sound that is eager to calm the soul and paw down our fears.  I see it in his face that he heard it.  But as we look above, we notice the sun has changed.  Has time jumped?  The glorious hedge playing on the hours and minutes that go by.  Who knows how long it has been on the outside?  What am I missing?

The dreamingly soothing sound is suddenly broken by a unusual stench.  It reminds me of the Trash Pile.  The smell of a factory, of almost choking air, of meat, some rotting, some not.  The beautiful sky is suddenly taken over by an unearthly green tone, with pollution settled in the air. There is a broad, large sign that has been aged muddied, but with a few brushes of the hand, can be cleared up.
 

Welcome to the Stockyards.

For a moment, things seem clearer to me.  We both can see the same thing.  A woman holding a young child in her arms.  Her seeming is unsure, but she is definitely a Lost, though it seems hazed, like a after image.  She gestures toward the facilities.  "You must stop ..."before she fades away to the wind.
 

Metal stacking high toward the sky, factories, gates, strange glowing red lights and small towers. Very 'almost post apocalyptic' looking area.  As you look around, you find crudely made posters;

"Fairest Fried Cakes!" - Is on one, with the picture of a maiden on it, then what looks like a pastry oozing with baked blood inside. It's rather disturbing looking, even for those of lower clarity.

"Dark Meat Burger!" - This poster is partially ripped, but it has what looks like a tunnelgrub on his knees, then a juicy looking burger next to him in a very "Frosted Flakes" poster box.

Finally, there's a 'television'.. more like a hedge piece of art of a Elemental of pollution sitting on a onyx throne. His teeth oozes with grim and sewer guck, his eyes tear with a green, infected tone.His hair seems to be made of choking smoke and smog with skin cracked and brown, purple dripping cist that pour against the bottom of the throne. It seems to be a repeated message of art.
 

"Welcome and enjoy your stay at the Stockyards, makers of Fair-Cakes, D-Meat Burgers, Barbecue Wind-Wings, which is my favorite.. Later this month, will be releasing our brand new 'Tasty Cereal' and 'Grunt Gruul'. All Slaves, Report to Slave Entrance B. Visitors, please Report to Front Entrance A."



.......  and here I  must rest dear Diary.  I'm weakened from my wounds.  I'll write more later.
 

I am confused yet hopeful.  Ox says he loves me.  He says he loves me and only me.  Everyone else is nothing.  A passing weakness.  The pathetic lowly part of Spring.  It hurts.  I don't know fully what to do.  He says he wants me to chase him.  Not let him go.  So I will.  No matter what.  No matter who gets in my way.  I am the Spring Storm.  The Wyrd will bless me.

It is so odd.  THe Pumpkin King helped.  Vincent has helped.  But no one from The Rolling Storms.  I'm sure they all fear me right now for the treachery they caused.   Some of it confuses me.  Perhaps they think distance and time will help.  I don't know.

THe LIon stands at the gate.  THe Lion on the String.  THe Man gaurds the Rose.

THere is more, but I can't stand to be here right now.  It's too hard to sit here.  I feel compelled to go.

Xoxie

the cat he gave me as a token of love.  to beg to come back into my life.  my children love Xoxie.  It's going to break their hearts when they discover she's gone, but I have to get rid of her.  I can't even look at her, it disgusts me!

All of it has to go...  all of it right now.  I can't even stand to be in this building it reminds me too much of him.  I can't go to the hollow because even there there are still traces of him.  I can't go anywhere.  I can't stay here.  But I can't leave the kids.  Grandfather will protect them, but that's no substitue for Mommy.  I can't stay here.  Everything reminds me of him.  Where can I go?   WHere can I go?   WHere can I go? Where can I go?  I can't go anywhere.  I can't stay here.  I'm trapped.  I'm fucking trapped by all of this.  He got so deep into my life now I can't get him out.  His smell is still everywhere.  what the fuck am i going to do?

Yes I hear you.  I can't go to sleep or that bitch Holly will get in my dreams.  Yes I trust you.  I have no place to go.  I'm listening.  I can't go to sleep.  She's waiting for that.  She wants me to fall alseep so she can fill my head with lies.  Ok.  I'll follow the sound of your voice.  I have to tell them to get rid of all this shit first.  They have to take it all now.  right now.  Drive it to his place and leave it on his front porch.  I'll take care of Xoxie.  THen I'll follow you.

I have thought so many times about killing myself today.  At least the pain would be over.  THis wretched heart.  HOw I wish I didn't have it.  I never knew such deep treachery.  I honestly believed him when he would tell me he was just busy.  I knew his fear of comitment and didn't want to frighten him away so I was patient.  I didn't push.  I didn't go after him because I thought I would lose him.  little did I know the other whores were moving in while I wasn't there.  I was merely convenient to him.  Someone to fuck every few months when he had time and then forget the rest of it.  lies all of it.  All the times he said he loved me.  It was nothing but lies to keep me coming back.  And I'm such a stupid monster that I believed every word from his mouth.  I thought every kiss from his lips was for me.  every sigh.  every moment of passion.  He swore he knew me.  If he knew me then why?   Couldn't he see just how much I love him?   I did everythign he wanted.

I've begged DUrendal to bring me an Icebound Heart.  He doesn't think they can freeze it solid, but I want them to try.  I have to make this pain end.  If I kill myself at least my children will be taken care of by Gaius and Edria.  But maybe that is a bad idea.

Grandfather swears he'll help me.  I can't trust anyoen else.  Edria swore he loved me.  She agreed that he was just busy.  SHe lied too.  SHe probably knew this was going on with Ox and Blue because she was in a MOtley with Blue.  But it's all lies   I know it is.  SHe swore she believed me, but then she believed Holly.  But Grandfather.  At least he has never lied to me.  He even wants to prove that I never would hurt my children.  He gave them statues to watch over them.  Now Holly has nothing but lies to stand on.  NOw Edria has no choice to believe me and not her.

Grandfather says to wait.  But it's so hard.  All I do is cry.  THe kids want to know why mommy cries all the time now.  I tell them Ox broke my heart.  THey cry too now.  WHy did Ox break your heart mommy?  Didn't he love you mommy?  I don't know honey.  Will he ever love you again mommy and fix your heart?  I don't think so baby.  I think Mommy will have to live the rest of her life like this.  How ever long or short that might be.

But then i hear the whisper.  Wait.  Don't go just yet.  The Wyrd loves you.  The Wyrd will make it all better.  Wait.  Such cruelty can't go unpuished.  If you leave now you won't get to see.  Wait.  It's going to be all better soon.  I promise.

first will be all the wretched whores who stole nights with Ox.  some are less blameless because they don't know, but they will pay too.  Blue will pay the most.  She knew that I loved him and she did it anyway.  She is the worst of all of them.  inentional treachery on her part.  I have a very long list for her.  They will all beg for death.  Maybe they will kill themselves first and spare the hell I'll put them through.

Next will be Holly.  her lies are what drove Ox to leave me.  her twisted words to get Ox and I apart so she could have me for herself.  failure.  She swore that i would hurt my precious children.  she is going to wish she was one of them because then I would spare her because I loved her.  But she's not.  and I dont.

Last is Ox.  This will be epic.  He did to me what my Gentry never could do.  Break my heart.  he lied to me.  he led me on.  i believed him when he told me he was just busy.  he was fucking whores like Blue instead.  then he chooses to believe Holly's lies over what I say and the fact she has no proof of anything.  And still swear that he knows me.  lies.  swear that he loves me?  more lies.  words are too easy.

Don't worry Diary.  I swear I see everything so much clearer now.  I can hear the voices so much better and they tell me what to do.  The Wyrd shows me things now that I didn't see before.  The Wyrd loves me and will make them pay.  Grandfather is going to take me shopping.  DOn't worry it will be fine.  I'm much better now.  I just need to go break some toys and figure out how to break that damned talking mirror.  SHe was probably in on it too.  SHe probably pretended to be me with this flase argument so Holly could swear to be telling the truth to help along her lies.  It's all so clear how all the players had their parts and worked for months to make this happen.  To make a fool out of me.  To hurt me.  To steal my love from me.  I hope they are all happy with what they have brought down on themselves.  There is only one way out for all of them but Ox.  But he will never choose the other way.  DOn't worry.  everything will be just fine. 

I must tuck my beloved children into bed.  They need Mommy to love them, even though her heart is broken.  I pray the Icebound Heart can truly freez it solid so it will stop hurting.  THis pain is unbearable.

Der Diary,

I haven't had any time to write.  The kids are out of school and it's been insane here.  Anything resmbling a schedule is gone.  My days are so topsy turvey.  I've started dreaming again too.  Maybe that's it.  I don't want to write down my dreams.  I try to keep myself crazy busy so I don't have time to sleep.  At least this time they aren't all about the Highwayman.  I've mostly been dreaming about Loyalists and traitors.  It has to be what Grandfather said.  He called Edria a Loyalist.  I know she's not, but that word hangs in the back of my mind.  Why not Emily who said she wanted to go back to her Gentry and sang that song about how great faries were.  Why not the Mirrorskin who I know is hiding because people tell me she's there.  Why not that black hole who comes and goes when he wants.  Oddly showing up at just the right moment.  and there's more.  I'm sure there's more.

No time to dwell.  I can hear the kids.  I need to go.

Dear Diary

 There is an e-mail conversation going between several of us in the Freehold.  Eddie suggested the Freehold have a small group of laws that don’t change from Monarch to Monarch.  The idea of the seasonal courts is that they change so it’s harder for the Gentry to find us. 

 They are concerned that the House of Cards is shaking too much.  I read what was being said for a while and then I said my piece.  Here’s what I wrote…

 Our problem isn't with who holds power or what they do with it.  It's the people themselves.  We have a crap ton of Lost in this Freehold and many of them we don't know didley about.  There are people who don't give any respect to anyone, Monarch or not.  You have people like Mop Head making snide comments to Queen Lily about how Lily's not important and she (Mop Head) doesn't look out for her.  There are people in the Freehold that I struggled to think of a question for because I don't know them at all.  I know people from Tampa better then I know some people who LIVE in the 52 with me.  And to keep others safe I'll open my home and throw a party for a pack of wolves rather than let them out on the rest of you.

 The House of Cards is shaky because we let in any Tom, Dick, & Harry who comes to the door.  They swear a little oath that they barely follow but reap all the benefits from, all the while they undermine the House of Cards from the inside.  This is exactly what they all want!  The Loyalists, Privateers, and Mirrorskins!  They know we'll take them in with open arms, narry a care, and once in here they slowly pick us apart.  At least when I look at Thomas Thorn I know who and what I'm looking at, and know he's a tricky monster out to destroy everything.  Sadly there are  people in the House of Cards I trust less than Thomas Thorn because we don't actually know them.  There are people who stood by and did nothing when Ty was taken.  There are the people who complain about everything and have nothing but spite and envy for those of us who have anything.  There are people who will attempt to bring down any form of government you put in place.

 Still, what can you do?  Turn them away?  Never.  We'll keep shaking the foundation of the House of Cards over and over because we'll never stop taking in new Lost.  We'll never turn any of them away, no matter what.  You can make any changes you want to how this place is run, who runs it, and all that crap, but the House will keep shaking.  It shakes from the inside because there are people here who want to see it happen.  They might not be Traitors, Loyalists, Privateers or Mirrorskins, but they love to see the strife and they love to see the fear.  But I promise they would never "harm" any of us.

 The problem with the House of Cards is the members of the House of Cards.  Just like any other Freehold.  As long as there is more than a dozen of us here, it'll never change.

 Now if you'll excuse me.. I've a party to go plan.  :)
 

 No one liked that.  I’m not shocked.  No one likes to hear that people are traitorous assholes.  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what else gets said about this.

Dear Diary,

 I’ve spent the last several days in a haze.  Mostly sort of going through the motions.  Pinn is working out better than I had hoped and has been a real blessing.  He’s contacted an Iron worker and we have him on retainer.  We’re also getting in touch with several architects.  The Solitaire isn’t going to be built over night, in fact it’ll take several months, but at least we’re getting started.  I want to name the Bar the Gin Rummy! 

 Took the kids to the dentist today.  It went pretty well.  Some of them need some work done, but that’s to be expected. 

 When I got home Ox was waiting for me in the lobby.  Seeing him snapped me out of my funk!  We did the usual things we do, if you know what I mean!  But then after that he did something really strange.  We had a serious talk.  Don’t worry diary, it wasn’t another marriage proposal.  I was worried at first!  We talked about fetches.  He asked about mine and why I never killed it.  The short answer is that she got the crappy life and I got the good one.  Most of the time it’s the other way around.  Not everyone has the same feelings about Fetches.  It’s really hard for most Lost to come back and find their life is completely taken over.  It almost doesn’t matter how it’s taken over.  If the fetch is doing really well then there is jealousy for something they could have had.  If they fetch is doing really badly then there is anger at the fetch ruining what was a good life.  I never had to go through that. 

 I don’t know if I helped Ox or not.  Sometimes I really think I’m not the right person to talk to about anything.

Dear Diary

 I’ve had what I like to think is a stroke of genius.  Other people will probably think I’m even crazier.  I’m going to seal off the first floor from the rest of the hotel and then take off all the doors from the first floor.  That way no one can use any of the doors as hedge doors!  I think it’s brilliant!  I’ve got the staff clearning out the hotel of all the mortals.  Friday night we’ll start taking off all the doors.  It’s such a great plan!